Sunday, November 30, 2008

Resources. Questions. Thoughts.

After spending more time reviewing and researching the resources available, I thought I would offer this input. Dad'sDivorce.com is a great resource of information and support. You can find answers to any questions you may have. I did. Also, check out the 24/7 dad'sdivorce radio. Not great for entertainment, but informative and validating. I say validating because I believe much of a fathers' experience of divorce is experienced relatively alone and in silence. Which brings me to meetup.com. Since joining a couple of chosen groups/clubs, I've met many new people and have been invited to several events. It's nice to get out once in while. I also found another great site www.fathers4kids.com.

Does the agreement fit what you are looking for? Never sign an agreement you aren't happy with. To go back and change it later is much more difficult. Get it right the first time.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 23, 2008

Questions to Consider: Thinking like the judge. Being a devils advocate.

If you had full custody of your children, would you be ready?
What would the day to day living look like if you had full custody of your child or children (or the percentage of custody you are seeking)?
What would you do if there was an emergency?
How would they get to and from school?
What if they had to be picked up early from school due to illness?
How about transportation to and from after school activities?
How would you be able to spend personal time with your child or children?
What difference does it make who gets how much custody custody?
Why should you get the percentage of custody you are asking for?

Before an argument could ever be made in your defense, you must first be armed with realistic answers catering to the best interest of your child/children and you.

We can not raise our children as passively present parents. As in sports we must have a game plan. Whether preparing for an unfortunate divorce or parenting our children, we must know our strengths and weaknesses and anticipate not only the needs of our children, but the needs of ourselves.

Our kids will never remember first how much money the household had and secondly how seldom you were actually present in their lives. It is incredibly selfish and vain to place a greater priority on our own professional success over our success as parents. To allow work to consume our lives over our children is to fail not only our children, but also our culture as a whole. I believe this to be evident by looking at today's modern culture. While there is much to be proud of, there is a very large gap between how we see ourselves what is actually so. Example...Most American households think they are doing a reasonably good job with their finances, while in 2006 Americans experienced a negative 4% savings rate. This means while someone was telling you they were doing a good job managing their personal budget, they were actually spending more than they even made. I believe this same type of gap exists in our parenting skills. It is time for us to wake up and get actively consciously involved with the ins and outs of our childrens lives. Not simply in the doing of their lives. And not just in the lives of our children, but in all children. I challenge you to challenge yourself to be the best parent you can be. Period.

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 23, 2008

After two weeks of researching the topic of men in America I'm having the experience of being motivated and somewhat overwhelmed. Below you will find some great resources for support, information, and inspiration.

Currently I've spoken with nearly a dozen men who have each had powerful experiences associated with divorce, being a single father, and simply being a man in America today. I will begin to document these conversations by way of audio files and will make those conversations and interviews available. Do you have any experiences, thoughts, questions, or suggestions to share? Any resources you've found particularly useful or inspiring? I'm here to help anyone who is looking for support in the areas divorce or personal growth.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 10, 2008

Yesterday I began a personal journey called The Breakthrough Project for Men. My intention is to cause a breakthrough in the way I experience being a single father as well as contribute to all men by serving as a source of information, support, and guidance.

After taking my son Drew to a doctors appointment and dropping him off at school, I headed to Borders not knowing what I might find. I wanted to begin to research all the books about being a man. A Father. The male experience. What it is to be a man. What I found was somewhat shocking. I was able to find books on raising boys and relevant christian books pertaining to being a man in God's image, but there isn't a single book in the entire Borders book store on Brentwood Ave. in St.Louis, MO. on November 10, 2008 that spoke to simply being a man. I get the ones about being a man in God's image, but the male experience isn't relegated to just christians. And I'm a christian. I was baffled to the point I found myself saying, "Really?" out loud. I asked a Borders employee for help. He searched all through the computer. Nothing further. I thank the author's who have written books on the topic of being a man. I will read each of them in hopes of growing in my knowledge of the subject. I consider it noteworthy to mention that after four hours of initial research I found only five authors who have written anything directly pertaining to what it is to be a man. Also noteworthy, I found only six books written specifically about raising boys. Boys are Boys. Girls are Girls. The impact and need for acknowledging the distinctions between men and women has never been greater. Single moms are buying little boys girls bikes. My own sons mother painted his toenails (problem one) pink (problem two). In today's modern culture there is such a real identity crisis. We as moms and dads must not contribute to the confusion. Rather, we as parents must understand the issue and be aware. There is a real need to acknowledge the issue, instill identity security in our children and ourselves, support our children, and of course love our children to no end no matter what. All children explore and all good parents love their children. But, we as parents can not add to the confusion of gender identity. If my child chooses to be gay or explores the topic, no doubt I will love him and except him. Period. However, we absolutely can not add to that confusion.

Allow me to share with you more about where I'm coming from. First, I do acknowledge there are some very unfortunate circumstances that have left many women single with kids and struggling to keep it all together. Also, I acknowledge that mothers who stay home and run households across America are grossly under-recognized and under-valued. The mother who took on the daunting task of raising me from the time I was three is one such example. All she has been through and the impact she has on my life is and forever will be cherished to no end. Support and love and attention to these women is certainly deserving. Period. I also acknowledge many men deserve the alloted stereotype. That said, like so many things in America there is an over-generalization on what this experience means about all men. There's never a question asked of the men out there who do there best to do the right thing. Who never leave their kids and have had wives who were more a part of the problem than an active contributor to a solution. What has been their experience? What happened. What are the pressures? And not just divorced men. All men. It seems Americans general view of men are self-involved men of greed or drunk philanderers with no real purpose or distinct added value. Separate from the experience of single dads, the need for men in general has been all but entirely shunned by our modern American culture. The journey I have started is for all the men who have chosen to actively be the best fathers they know how to be and have chosen to do all they can to be the best men they know how to be.

I am setting out to cause a breakthrough experience in my life and the lives of others by researching and documenting the experience of the American Man.

The Breakthrough Project for Men

I've been a single father for more than four years. Immediately after the divorce I noticed a difference in the way society recieved me as a single father as well as in the way I interacted with others. In holding myself accountable for my own experience, I think I may have become a bit defensive and/or protective of my desire to be a great father for my young son. However, all things considered, there is a clear distinction in the way men are treated and percieved in modern American. Today I acknowledge this period of time in my life as the beginning of my experience as a researcher and advocate for all men in America. It is over the past five years that I began to pay attention to how America looked at men and our roles in our modern culture. I've done so with an awareness not to be suggestive; rather I've just become aware. So much happens all around us all the time and it's not until we become aware that we notice how often "it" takes place. This "it" being whatever you've become aware of. In this conversation "it" is the shunning of men. I would liken this to the experience of seeing the car you just decided to buy all over the place just after you've decided to buy it. This noticing coupled with my personal life experience is what has led me to begin The Breakthrough Project: Men.

A very close friend of mine started The Breakthrough Project. She has studied and worked very hard to clearly understand certain distinctions in order to cause breakthroughs in her own life. She has spent years studying, researching, applying, and experiencing. So much so, businesses are now finding great value and benefit in the use of her understanding of distinctions and processes. As close friends I've personally had the priviledge of watching her grow and I'm incredibly proud of her. On a recent Saturday morning Erin and I had brunch. Towards the end of the conversation I shared with her how the strength of my desire to contribute to men has really become strong. She knows this has stirred in me for some time. It's now Nov. 2008 and I've been single since the fall of 2003. To no avail I've looked for outlets that have allowed me to contribute; youth groups at church, non-profit organizations, etc. But, to date nothing has stuck or fit just right. They were fine. Just not a fit. Today was to be different. Before Erin and I got up from the table Erin stopped and offered to support me in this search for an outlet or a platform with which my stirring would be fulfilled. The result of this conversation is The Breakthrough Project: Men.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

American Media's Unclaimed Purpose

So today I had a quick realization about the current health of our national economy. People go on and on all the time about how they hate watching the news because it's always so negative. True. It does seem to be very negative. FairNBalanced. Or We report. You decide. Yes, this is geared toward even one of my most trusted news sources. To get to the point, today I thought one of the most powerful purposes for our national media could actually be to lead vs. simply report. I mean everyone in the country who wants to have an impact or be in the know does so by paying attention to the news. If we acknowledge this to be true, then we also must automatically acknowledge the powerful impact the media can have. I believe their positive or negative impact to be evident today. The shared justification of their purpose, being the reporters and news channels simply report the news, is weak. I'm sorry, but when your impact is as powerful as theirs and the current state of our union is as it is, then they too must hold themselves to a higher standard of purpose. I believe Bill O'Reilly has gotten this a bit with declaring himself as a watchdog and then doing exactly that. Watchdogging. The idea here is we're all aware of the state of our union by now, but what do WE need to do now to help move us powerfully forward? I think Americans need to be spoken to like a coach speaking to his or her team. You motivate. You inspire. You lead. If you're a coach and you have a losing team you don't simply share the score with your team. They know the score. We know the score. While the media isn't our coach, they are certainly a team captain. It's a responsibility they recieve in exchange for having someone actually watch their show which in term enables them to make money via advertising dollars earned. Not to change subjects, but to illustrate exactly how deeply rooted the truth of my point is we can simply look at the remarkable victory of President-Elect Obama. How emotional was everyone at the news of his victory? His acceptance speech in Chicago? This is an obvious indication of the deep rooted resignation of the American majority. I believe people to be more easily influenced when deeply resignated. Resignation yeilds a need for hope and hope is exactly what people are so fired up about with Obama. But, hope for what with Obama. They don't even know. Just hope for something better. This proves my point about resignation breeds an easily influenced weekness. It's a needy place to come from. Our news channels could be serving vs. simply reporting. As a country on a national stage with the singular focus being to help gently (due to the ever so fragile state of American pride and ego), yet powerfully guide us back to center. Back to a place of common understood strength. Acknowledge strength. Unified strength. Let's stabalize the ship so we can then move powerfully forward. The media could act as a sort of national financial advisor by serving as a solid filter of sound basic financial education and principals. Coach cause and effect. I believe to some degree this is being done but...it's left a lot to be desired as far as a voice to be heard goes. Or maybe we're just slow and childlike with how we learn. Simply put...The news channels can share not only where we are, but also this is what we as Amercians should do first, second, third, etc. These are the smartest money moves you can make right now and long into the future. We should know the money spent is always more than the money saved by the money spent to save it. This ends with a net loss which can only be validated by a real need or an ability to take the financial loss for the benefit your recieve from the purchase. Used cars are almost always money better spent (cars industry issues), don't consume the equity in your home (real estate is not a get rich quick deal, move less, and invest for the long term ((investing)). Also, investments are never all or nothing. We should all practice balance and moderation. Yes, you can go out to eat from time to time. Yes, we can buy our children clothes for the seasons. Moderation. Common sense. Let's eat at home with our kids at the table. Enough of the extreme reactions to the media good or bad. Enough of the reliance on other people's information when our own common sense has told us all we need to know. Our country is an infant and it takes a village to raise a child. We all need to kick in together to move us powerfully forward. When my child is sick their are some doctors advice I simply would never listen to. Like some of the "experts" these news channels are putting on, I don't know we need to be listening to them.

In short, America must stop looking and managing our money as pacifiers for our vanity and inequities. Our own lack of personal confidence or willingness to be ourselves and not the Jones'. This just in...the Jones' as a national icon have passed. We are all free to mourn the loss of them and stand together on our own individual two feet. We must be ourselves. Help ourselves and then our neighbors. Let's grow up. Hold ourselves accountable for our own mistakes and/or irresponsibilities and move on. Lesson learned.

I see our national economy as a single issue; while all we ever hear is how complex the issue or how difficult the fix is. It's our fault. Not there's. We bought into it. If I'm overweight, is it the pizza man's fault? The chocolatier's? All these experts and all this analysis. Why would we even listen to them considering the "expert's" track record? So far, how many of them have been "right"? As I see it, and this is just one man's perspective, but our current state of affairs is our fault no matter who we think we are able to blame. When are we going to start holding ourselves accountable for our own state of affairs? When did the strength of America come from our victim mentality and our sense of entitlement. I'm a victim. They did this to me. You owe me. Oh...I'm so inspired...to do...anything. You? Inspired? I didn't think so. We saw an opportunity and we took it without knowing all the rules. Many quit their jobs and used their life savings to invest in real estate after paying $2000 for a "boot camp" investment seminar. Simply crazy. Many refinanced their homes and took off to Hawaii just after they had their new plasma installed. Our current state of affairs is our fault and no one elses. How can so much blame be put on Adjustable Rate Mortgages when those products have safeguard caps in place and the interest rates have been very healthy for years and still are today. Any employed homeowner who is made or broken by $100 or $200 or $300 a month should have never purchased their home in the first place. Common sense should have told them this regardless of what some broker was saying. I've made my share of mistakes in this deal too, but I'm not blaming them on anyone else. At least not anymore. We are where we are. I'm not saying people don't need help, but let's stop looking back and start looking forward. Let's do so knowing we have to work together in our communities in order to keep our communities strong. We have stretched ourselves too thin by justifying our own greed, vanity, or ignorance.

To get back to the point, the media can acknowledge the TRUE cause of our state of affairs and begin to lead us back into balance by reporting on real-world solutions in todays economic times. We have to spent, but must do so wisely. They can bring in investors who started with nothing and are still successful today, They could also bring in timeless coaches and leaders. The best of the best. The wisest of council. The media should assemble the best cast of leaders that embody the American experience and have them coach, lead, and inspire. Over. And over. And over. But of course, again, this is just one man's opinion. I'm going to bed.