Awareness

When I first chose to move forward with The Father Project, largely my motivation stemmed from personal experience and for the benefit of myself and my son Drew. I wanted to learn and grow in order to become a better father. After researching and reading multiple articles, websites, and books pertaining to fatherhood, I am finding myself profoundly moved by the massive impact fatherhood has on our young boys. Our president has called issues relating to fatherhood the single most significant issue we face as a culture today. No longer is this just a personal endeavor.

I've found it easy to fall back into the comfort zone of my own community. Thinking, is this really a problem? These families seem happy and involved. Fathers are there...Right? Largely, the answer is no. Even if fathers are waking up everyday, heading out to work, and coming home each night, this does not mean fathers are available. Emotionally or otherwise. To make money, not argue, and to come home sober at a reasonable hour is not to be a great dad. That is not being the father our young boys need. When honest, ALL men know of the scares left from their youth as they relate to their own fathers. These scares are like war wounds we never want to see and never want to think or talk about. Perhaps like a war vet, we think no one else can possibly relate. Recently, I wrote a six page letter to my father expressing all the anger and hurt I had experienced over many years. This anger and frustration had impacted my life in numerous ways. I never mailed the letter, but I did feel so much better simply acknowledging it and putting it down in writing. The sheer pain I personally experienced just going through the process of writing this letter, serves as an indicator of the depth and impact my emotional secret has had.

Being aware of the link between fathers and sons is only the beginning. Father's MUST engage, now, in the emotional life and development of their young boys. It's never too late. Broken fences can be mended. Furthermore, mother's and wives must be involved in this process. They play a key role in helping men feel comfortable enough to "get in there". I would encourage openly discussing opportunities and ways both parents can actively engage in the healthy emotional development of their child/children. The strongest and best relationships are not "perfect" from the get go. They are created through shared experiences and not giving up. We fathers must engage in creating the relatedness it takes in order to have the emotional connection our boys so desperately need. If we aim to teach our boys to have courage and to be tough; we must willing to walk the walk ourselves by having the courage to step into not only our own emotions, but also the emotional heart of our boys. To not engage is to land a devastating blow to the life of your own child. And, secretly, you know this. Get in the game.

Equality vs. Abusive

Today women's rights are an engrained and widely excepted part of our everday culture. Women are willing, able, and active members of our workforce. From corporate CEO's to the front lines of our military, women are heard and accouted for. So, where do we draw the line with the women's rights initiative? Yes, it needed to happen. Yes, equality between genders is right, just, and good. But, at what point does the notion become abusive?

Like all things new and uncharted, two extremes will be experienced before a healthy middle ground is established. If a man and a women make a choice as a couple to have the wife stay home and manage the family affairs, isn't that their choice as a couple rather than a gender issue? I believe our courts, greedy attorneys, and many women are unjustly abusing the opportunity to capitalize on cultural expectations of men. I'm not saying all, but...What happens in the battle to "take him out" and "capture" the kids? So, women now have the money and the kids. Now what? Feel better? Safer? Best for the kids? Who really wins when the kids only see their father two days a week and he's stressed to the hilt trying to figure out how to restablize? As difficult as it may seem at the time, let's practice a little restraint and do what's best for everyone. Responding intellectually is always better than reacting out of fear or anger. Attorney's make huge money feeding off of women's fears of financial insecurity. Also, what's factored into judicial decisions to kick dad out of their childrens lives and by doing so does it really make it any better for the children or the mom? Of course, I do acknowledge many men are terribly uninvolved with their own children, but not all and that's who I'm standing for. Yes, women should get their "fair share" and each scenario is different and complex, but let's try to practice a little maturity and self-control.

Lastly, while each party may feel justified in their actions, let's also remember to throttle back and make our own choices to do what's right vs. succumbing to the fear mongers. I believe opportunist reacting out of malice have a shorter and less vibrant shelf life. Our children will one day grow up and reflect on their own lives. What will they see and if asked what will you honestly be able to tell them?

Below is an article illustrating my point.
http://www.smartmoney.com/personal-finance/marriage-divorce/women-are-seeing-more-parity-in-divorces-21406/

Our Children's Reality Today

Statistically; drug use, teen pregnancy, and violence are at an all time high. Simultaneously, never before in history have both women and men worked more hours. Cause and effect? I promise you this, no one can parent my son like I can. Period. Baring given extreme scenarios, I don't believe this to be unusual. Hey moms. Dads. Let's go back to the basics. I don't care which parent is home when the kids get out of school, just as long as someone is present. One plus one is two and two is our next generation of decision makers. Our children need us to repriortize our day to day life structure. Let's get rigorous with our realities. I encourage all parents to create a sustainable life structure which allows greater presence in the lives of our children, and by doing so helping our kids keep their heads above water in today's sea of temptation and deceit. All kids will ever remember or care about is whether we were there or whether we weren't. What are some of the best memories you have with your family?

Excuses and Justifications

When I picked up Drew from school yesterday, he asked if he could play there at the school playground with some other kids. I agreed as we parked. We opened the back and pulled out a small arsenal of toys at the ready (ie. frisbee, soccerball, etc.). Shortly thereafter a healthy game of kickball broke out and all was right with the world. At this point all other children had left. Some time later the doors to the school opened and out came approximately twenty or so kids. In an odd turn of events, girls were screaming hello to Andrew as boys and girls came running out to play. Nearly a half dozen or so gathered up on the actual playground area vs. the dual purpose playground parking lot. Suddenly, a lady with a red YMCA shirt comes up and begins agressively yelling in the girls faces who were all huddled together talking. Apparently, it was not okay for them to be up there.

Excuses and justifications can be made for this caregivers actions. Perhaps she had told them they are not allowed up there multiple times previously. Or maybe there are too many kids for so few caregivers to adequately manage. Or perhaps she is simply underpaid and under appreciated. Nevertheless, in my opinion it is never appropriate for any caregiver to yell in the face of child. Much less, a child not your own. A nearby mother chimes in making me aware of the established reputation of two particular YMCA after-school care providers. With the YMCA having such an established reputation parents could easily justify working a few more hours in order to make a few more bucks while these sweet golden resume yielding ladies watched after their children. Undertone and hardship circumstances aside, I have to ask...Who and what are the priorities of these parents? I'm speaking to the parents who choose to have both parents working to make over six figures a year, while their children are raised by others. Would those parents continue with the same established priorities if they truly knew the way caregivers were behaving?

Our children need their parents, not a substitute teacher. Let's get in the game.

Cost of Our Choices

What are the cost of the choices we make as they relate to our children? What's the cost of the choice to work more hours in order to make more money? Who pays for your absence? Could you make less and be more present and available? Who pays when we justify pushing personal financial boundaries? Could we pull back on the spending, live below our means, and lead our children by being an example of financial responsibility. If we can afford the nicer things in life, that's great, but not to the point of irresponsibility. There's a balance between ambition and career security and being an active presence in the lives of our children. This is for each of us to carefully consider. As a culture we need to gain enough self-confidence to put our egos and pride down, hold ourselves accountable, and begin to truly see how we're living and the impact we're having on the youth of America. The next generation of decision makers needs our experience and our leadership now more than ever. Let's get in the game.

What's Next?

Lately, I've been seeking out where I want to take The Father Project. What is my point? What is the mission and scope of The Father Project? In doing so, I've learned about Social Entrepreneurs. These are people who create organizations devoted to a cause serving the greater good. The concept alone, while very ideological, seemed right up my alley and has inspired me to move boldly forward to where no man has gone before.

After further consideration, my intention is to move forward in an effort to impact communities in a way that causes them to become more family focused vs. "what about me" focused. Across all socioeconomic communities (some worse than others) children have suffered the absence of their parents for some reason or another. I acknowledge the varying degrees of impact, but the relativity does not negate the impact of each childs struggle. It is not my unrealistic intention to rid children's lives of troubles and challenges, but rather inspire parents to more fully engage in serving as children's guides in order to adequately prepare our next generation of decision makers. Childhood is about enjoying childhood and preparing for what's next. It takes a village and, in the end, the question remains the same...Are we as parents, and citizens of a community larger than ourselves, doing everything we can in the best interest of our children and our communities? Ideally, we do this while maintaining a healthy balance along the way.

The plan of The Father Project is to market to communities via community based events and group speaking engagements. We will also support and educate mothers and fathers through our local team of mentoring professionals.

Drew

My non-profit project is dedicated to my son Drew. In his honor, I've written the following.

Drew, son, did you know my life is for you? From much younger years, from your spirit I grew. Dreaming. Watching. Living. Preparing. For you son. For you.

Good. Better. Best. It's never enough. But, I promise you this...I'll give you all I've got. I'll teach you all I know, raise you right, and give you strength to fight. God. Father/Son. Family. Our creed to be. Politics. Business. And women. Those days are later. I want to teach you to fly, even in the craziest of times.

Let's enjoy skipping rocks on the water and climbing trees again. Let's feel the sun on our faces. Son let's jump in and sing the song of life again.

I love you sport!!! Thank you for being my son!

Fatherhood Campaign

The initiative I've taken to educate myself on the topic of Fatherhood has grown roots. Progress has been made. Local organizations have been identified, phone meetings have been held, and a meeting with an event organization team takes place on Feb. 19th. If you have any ideas or have any experience with events that have left a mark, please share. What promotional event do you remember most? What was unique? Some small things you remember most. The topic of Fatherhood is far more significant than I ever realized. I welcome any help I can get as I continue to work towards my desire get fathers more involved with raising their children. Thank you!

On the Other Side

What's on the other side of divorce? At least when young children are involved, there's still years and years of relationship and issues requiring both of you. Issues at school. Emotional health issues. Physical health. Disciplinary issues. Upbringing issues. The shaping of study habits, manners, and a childs relentless pursuit to identify boundaries. Above all else a child of divorced parents requires consistency between homes. To be optimally effective, this requires communication and compromise. That said, if these were your strongsuits you two very well may still be married. Thus, my point. We all know the choice to divorce does not happen overnight, is incredibly difficult, and by no means are all scenarios the same. But, why does it seem parents are more willing to make the childs needs a priority AFTER the divorce vs. before hand? Before hand seems to be riddled with pride, ego, and battle. While afterwards it seems to be less pride, ego, and battle and more whatever needs to happen for the child (to some degree anyway). After all, if the welfare of the child is a priority, both parents must submit their pride and ego, summon their strongest diplomatic communication skills, and be willing to compromise certain things in the best interest of the child. It is this very same skill set needed in-house prior to divorcing, but it seems to be lost somewhere along the road leading to divorce. I get the personal freedom one will experience post divorce vs. being bound by the walls of your home you both live in. However, I do want to introduce the fact that when a child is involved you will forever have a relationship with your wife, like it or not, and in the interest of the children we must do everything we can beyond the shadow of a doubt. I for one feel as though I could have done more. I don't know what, but...For Drew, anything would have been worth it. In short, children will experience our choice to divorce for the rest of their lives in one capacity or another. I've seen my sister and brother-in-law fight long and hard for their marriage and I'm left inspired and appreciative. Their example gives me hope and has taught me a lesson. Thank you Angie and Richard. I love you! All things said, I do get sometimes there's just nothing left. And, it just plain sucks.

Lost Without A Guide

So, nearly a month after my last posting, I'm back in the swing of things. Which, of course, includes my still ongoing mission to spread awareness and inspire fathers to engage in the lives of their children.

There's a saying I hear time and time again that goes, "Don't worry. Children are resilient." When said, "they" aren't referring to youthful bodies. They are referring to their minds. Lately, this has started to almost infuriate me. Kids are resilient why? Because they are still alive? Because they've survived? Our jobs as parents are not only to help children survive, but rather help them thrive. It is not to dismiss potentially traumatic emotional turmoil in order to save our own pride or egos. You don't say these things to justify your unwillingness to...Give your child your absolutely best beyond the shadow of a doubt. Period. Who do you think of when you make choices even remotely impacting the day to day life of your child? Kids don't remember Lexus vs. Honda. They remember present or not present. Are you a present guide in the life of your child? Kids aren't resilient. They are impacted! They hear you. They are watching you. How do you live because they are paying attention to every word, look, and move you make whether you think so or not. And when you can't relate or have zero relationship and wonder why...Perhaps it's not such a mystery. It's up to us to step towards them. Not the otherway around. And you don't give up. Ever. Our modern culture filled with overly defiant children are NOT resilient. They are impacted by the presence of their parents and/or lack there of.

The children of America need positive role models. Mentors. We can pay for it with our tax money fed to our prisons or spend some time building up the youth of America.