Questions to Consider: Thinking like the judge. Being a devils advocate.
If you had full custody of your children, would you be ready?
What would the day to day living look like if you had full custody of your child or children (or the percentage of custody you are seeking)?
What would you do if there was an emergency?
How would they get to and from school?
What if they had to be picked up early from school due to illness?
How about transportation to and from after school activities?
How would you be able to spend personal time with your child or children?
What difference does it make who gets how much custody custody?
Why should you get the percentage of custody you are asking for?
Before an argument could ever be made in your defense, you must first be armed with realistic answers catering to the best interest of your child/children and you.
We can not raise our children as passively present parents. As in sports we must have a game plan. Whether preparing for an unfortunate divorce or parenting our children, we must know our strengths and weaknesses and anticipate not only the needs of our children, but the needs of ourselves.
Our kids will never remember first how much money the household had and secondly how seldom you were actually present in their lives. It is incredibly selfish and vain to place a greater priority on our own professional success over our success as parents. To allow work to consume our lives over our children is to fail not only our children, but also our culture as a whole. I believe this to be evident by looking at today's modern culture. While there is much to be proud of, there is a very large gap between how we see ourselves what is actually so. Example...Most American households think they are doing a reasonably good job with their finances, while in 2006 Americans experienced a negative 4% savings rate. This means while someone was telling you they were doing a good job managing their personal budget, they were actually spending more than they even made. I believe this same type of gap exists in our parenting skills. It is time for us to wake up and get actively consciously involved with the ins and outs of our childrens lives. Not simply in the doing of their lives. And not just in the lives of our children, but in all children. I challenge you to challenge yourself to be the best parent you can be. Period.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 23, 2008
After two weeks of researching the topic of men in America I'm having the experience of being motivated and somewhat overwhelmed. Below you will find some great resources for support, information, and inspiration.
- http://www.meetup.com/ for groups of likeminded individuals your local area.
- http://www.mkp.org
- http://www.dadsdivorce.com/
- Stephen Baskerville's book "Taken Into Custody"
- John Eldridge's book "Wild At Heart"
- more to follow.
Currently I've spoken with nearly a dozen men who have each had powerful experiences associated with divorce, being a single father, and simply being a man in America today. I will begin to document these conversations by way of audio files and will make those conversations and interviews available. Do you have any experiences, thoughts, questions, or suggestions to share? Any resources you've found particularly useful or inspiring? I'm here to help anyone who is looking for support in the areas divorce or personal growth.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 10, 2008
Yesterday I began a personal journey called The Breakthrough Project for Men. My intention is to cause a breakthrough in the way I experience being a single father as well as contribute to all men by serving as a source of information, support, and guidance.
After taking my son Drew to a doctors appointment and dropping him off at school, I headed to Borders not knowing what I might find. I wanted to begin to research all the books about being a man. A Father. The male experience. What it is to be a man. What I found was somewhat shocking. I was able to find books on raising boys and relevant christian books pertaining to being a man in God's image, but there isn't a single book in the entire Borders book store on Brentwood Ave. in St.Louis, MO. on November 10, 2008 that spoke to simply being a man. I get the ones about being a man in God's image, but the male experience isn't relegated to just christians. And I'm a christian. I was baffled to the point I found myself saying, "Really?" out loud. I asked a Borders employee for help. He searched all through the computer. Nothing further. I thank the author's who have written books on the topic of being a man. I will read each of them in hopes of growing in my knowledge of the subject. I consider it noteworthy to mention that after four hours of initial research I found only five authors who have written anything directly pertaining to what it is to be a man. Also noteworthy, I found only six books written specifically about raising boys. Boys are Boys. Girls are Girls. The impact and need for acknowledging the distinctions between men and women has never been greater. Single moms are buying little boys girls bikes. My own sons mother painted his toenails (problem one) pink (problem two). In today's modern culture there is such a real identity crisis. We as moms and dads must not contribute to the confusion. Rather, we as parents must understand the issue and be aware. There is a real need to acknowledge the issue, instill identity security in our children and ourselves, support our children, and of course love our children to no end no matter what. All children explore and all good parents love their children. But, we as parents can not add to the confusion of gender identity. If my child chooses to be gay or explores the topic, no doubt I will love him and except him. Period. However, we absolutely can not add to that confusion.
Allow me to share with you more about where I'm coming from. First, I do acknowledge there are some very unfortunate circumstances that have left many women single with kids and struggling to keep it all together. Also, I acknowledge that mothers who stay home and run households across America are grossly under-recognized and under-valued. The mother who took on the daunting task of raising me from the time I was three is one such example. All she has been through and the impact she has on my life is and forever will be cherished to no end. Support and love and attention to these women is certainly deserving. Period. I also acknowledge many men deserve the alloted stereotype. That said, like so many things in America there is an over-generalization on what this experience means about all men. There's never a question asked of the men out there who do there best to do the right thing. Who never leave their kids and have had wives who were more a part of the problem than an active contributor to a solution. What has been their experience? What happened. What are the pressures? And not just divorced men. All men. It seems Americans general view of men are self-involved men of greed or drunk philanderers with no real purpose or distinct added value. Separate from the experience of single dads, the need for men in general has been all but entirely shunned by our modern American culture. The journey I have started is for all the men who have chosen to actively be the best fathers they know how to be and have chosen to do all they can to be the best men they know how to be.
I am setting out to cause a breakthrough experience in my life and the lives of others by researching and documenting the experience of the American Man.
After taking my son Drew to a doctors appointment and dropping him off at school, I headed to Borders not knowing what I might find. I wanted to begin to research all the books about being a man. A Father. The male experience. What it is to be a man. What I found was somewhat shocking. I was able to find books on raising boys and relevant christian books pertaining to being a man in God's image, but there isn't a single book in the entire Borders book store on Brentwood Ave. in St.Louis, MO. on November 10, 2008 that spoke to simply being a man. I get the ones about being a man in God's image, but the male experience isn't relegated to just christians. And I'm a christian. I was baffled to the point I found myself saying, "Really?" out loud. I asked a Borders employee for help. He searched all through the computer. Nothing further. I thank the author's who have written books on the topic of being a man. I will read each of them in hopes of growing in my knowledge of the subject. I consider it noteworthy to mention that after four hours of initial research I found only five authors who have written anything directly pertaining to what it is to be a man. Also noteworthy, I found only six books written specifically about raising boys. Boys are Boys. Girls are Girls. The impact and need for acknowledging the distinctions between men and women has never been greater. Single moms are buying little boys girls bikes. My own sons mother painted his toenails (problem one) pink (problem two). In today's modern culture there is such a real identity crisis. We as moms and dads must not contribute to the confusion. Rather, we as parents must understand the issue and be aware. There is a real need to acknowledge the issue, instill identity security in our children and ourselves, support our children, and of course love our children to no end no matter what. All children explore and all good parents love their children. But, we as parents can not add to the confusion of gender identity. If my child chooses to be gay or explores the topic, no doubt I will love him and except him. Period. However, we absolutely can not add to that confusion.
Allow me to share with you more about where I'm coming from. First, I do acknowledge there are some very unfortunate circumstances that have left many women single with kids and struggling to keep it all together. Also, I acknowledge that mothers who stay home and run households across America are grossly under-recognized and under-valued. The mother who took on the daunting task of raising me from the time I was three is one such example. All she has been through and the impact she has on my life is and forever will be cherished to no end. Support and love and attention to these women is certainly deserving. Period. I also acknowledge many men deserve the alloted stereotype. That said, like so many things in America there is an over-generalization on what this experience means about all men. There's never a question asked of the men out there who do there best to do the right thing. Who never leave their kids and have had wives who were more a part of the problem than an active contributor to a solution. What has been their experience? What happened. What are the pressures? And not just divorced men. All men. It seems Americans general view of men are self-involved men of greed or drunk philanderers with no real purpose or distinct added value. Separate from the experience of single dads, the need for men in general has been all but entirely shunned by our modern American culture. The journey I have started is for all the men who have chosen to actively be the best fathers they know how to be and have chosen to do all they can to be the best men they know how to be.
I am setting out to cause a breakthrough experience in my life and the lives of others by researching and documenting the experience of the American Man.
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