The Father Project

Awareness

2009-05-28T14:36:00.001-07:00

When I first chose to move forward with The Father Project, largely my motivation stemmed from personal experience and for the benefit of myself and my son Drew. I wanted to learn and grow in order to become a better father. After researching and reading multiple articles, websites, and books pertaining to fatherhood, I am finding myself profoundly moved by the massive impact fatherhood has on our young boys. Our president has called issues relating to fatherhood the single most significant issue we face as a culture today. No longer is this just a personal endeavor.

I've found it easy to fall back into the comfort zone of my own community. Thinking, is this really a problem? These families seem happy and involved. Fathers are there...Right? Largely, the answer is no. Even if fathers are waking up everyday, heading out to work, and coming home each night, this does not mean fathers are available. Emotionally or otherwise. To make money, not argue, and to come home sober at a reasonable hour is not to be a great dad. That is not being the father our young boys need. When honest, ALL men know of the scares left from their youth as they relate to their own fathers. These scares are like war wounds we never want to see and never want to think or talk about. Perhaps like a war vet, we think no one else can possibly relate. Recently, I wrote a six page letter to my father expressing all the anger and hurt I had experienced over many years. This anger and frustration had impacted my life in numerous ways. I never mailed the letter, but I did feel so much better simply acknowledging it and putting it down in writing. The sheer pain I personally experienced just going through the process of writing this letter, serves as an indicator of the depth and impact my emotional secret has had.

Being aware of the link between fathers and sons is only the beginning. Father's MUST engage, now, in the emotional life and development of their young boys. It's never too late. Broken fences can be mended. Furthermore, mother's and wives must be involved in this process. They play a key role in helping men feel comfortable enough to "get in there". I would encourage openly discussing opportunities and ways both parents can actively engage in the healthy emotional development of their child/children. The strongest and best relationships are not "perfect" from the get go. They are created through shared experiences and not giving up. We fathers must engage in creating the relatedness it takes in order to have the emotional connection our boys so desperately need. If we aim to teach our boys to have courage and to be tough; we must willing to walk the walk ourselves by having the courage to step into not only our own emotions, but also the emotional heart of our boys. To not engage is to land a devastating blow to the life of your own child. And, secretly, you know this. Get in the game.

Equality vs. Abusive

2009-03-13T09:57:00.000-07:00

Today women's rights are an engrained and widely excepted part of our everday culture. Women are willing, able, and active members of our workforce. From corporate CEO's to the front lines of our military, women are heard and accouted for. So, where do we draw the line with the women's rights initiative? Yes, it needed to happen. Yes, equality between genders is right, just, and good. But, at what point does the notion become abusive?

Like all things new and uncharted, two extremes will be experienced before a healthy middle ground is established. If a man and a women make a choice as a couple to have the wife stay home and manage the family affairs, isn't that their choice as a couple rather than a gender issue? I believe our courts, greedy attorneys, and many women are unjustly abusing the opportunity to capitalize on cultural expectations of men. I'm not saying all, but...What happens in the battle to "take him out" and "capture" the kids? So, women now have the money and the kids. Now what? Feel better? Safer? Best for the kids? Who really wins when the kids only see their father two days a week and he's stressed to the hilt trying to figure out how to restablize? As difficult as it may seem at the time, let's practice a little restraint and do what's best for everyone. Responding intellectually is always better than reacting out of fear or anger. Attorney's make huge money feeding off of women's fears of financial insecurity. Also, what's factored into judicial decisions to kick dad out of their childrens lives and by doing so does it really make it any better for the children or the mom? Of course, I do acknowledge many men are terribly uninvolved with their own children, but not all and that's who I'm standing for. Yes, women should get their "fair share" and each scenario is different and complex, but let's try to practice a little maturity and self-control.

Lastly, while each party may feel justified in their actions, let's also remember to throttle back and make our own choices to do what's right vs. succumbing to the fear mongers. I believe opportunist reacting out of malice have a shorter and less vibrant shelf life. Our children will one day grow up and reflect on their own lives. What will they see and if asked what will you honestly be able to tell them?

Below is an article illustrating my point.
http://www.smartmoney.com/personal-finance/marriage-divorce/women-are-seeing-more-parity-in-divorces-21406/

Our Children's Reality Today

2009-03-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

Statistically; drug use, teen pregnancy, and violence are at an all time high. Simultaneously, never before in history have both women and men worked more hours. Cause and effect? I promise you this, no one can parent my son like I can. Period. Baring given extreme scenarios, I don't believe this to be unusual. Hey moms. Dads. Let's go back to the basics. I don't care which parent is home when the kids get out of school, just as long as someone is present. One plus one is two and two is our next generation of decision makers. Our children need us to repriortize our day to day life structure. Let's get rigorous with our realities. I encourage all parents to create a sustainable life structure which allows greater presence in the lives of our children, and by doing so helping our kids keep their heads above water in today's sea of temptation and deceit. All kids will ever remember or care about is whether we were there or whether we weren't. What are some of the best memories you have with your family?

Excuses and Justifications

2009-03-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

When I picked up Drew from school yesterday, he asked if he could play there at the school playground with some other kids. I agreed as we parked. We opened the back and pulled out a small arsenal of toys at the ready (ie. frisbee, soccerball, etc.). Shortly thereafter a healthy game of kickball broke out and all was right with the world. At this point all other children had left. Some time later the doors to the school opened and out came approximately twenty or so kids. In an odd turn of events, girls were screaming hello to Andrew as boys and girls came running out to play. Nearly a half dozen or so gathered up on the actual playground area vs. the dual purpose playground parking lot. Suddenly, a lady with a red YMCA shirt comes up and begins agressively yelling in the girls faces who were all huddled together talking. Apparently, it was not okay for them to be up there.

Excuses and justifications can be made for this caregivers actions. Perhaps she had told them they are not allowed up there multiple times previously. Or maybe there are too many kids for so few caregivers to adequately manage. Or perhaps she is simply underpaid and under appreciated. Nevertheless, in my opinion it is never appropriate for any caregiver to yell in the face of child. Much less, a child not your own. A nearby mother chimes in making me aware of the established reputation of two particular YMCA after-school care providers. With the YMCA having such an established reputation parents could easily justify working a few more hours in order to make a few more bucks while these sweet golden resume yielding ladies watched after their children. Undertone and hardship circumstances aside, I have to ask...Who and what are the priorities of these parents? I'm speaking to the parents who choose to have both parents working to make over six figures a year, while their children are raised by others. Would those parents continue with the same established priorities if they truly knew the way caregivers were behaving?

Our children need their parents, not a substitute teacher. Let's get in the game.

Cost of Our Choices

2009-03-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

What are the cost of the choices we make as they relate to our children? What's the cost of the choice to work more hours in order to make more money? Who pays for your absence? Could you make less and be more present and available? Who pays when we justify pushing personal financial boundaries? Could we pull back on the spending, live below our means, and lead our children by being an example of financial responsibility. If we can afford the nicer things in life, that's great, but not to the point of irresponsibility. There's a balance between ambition and career security and being an active presence in the lives of our children. This is for each of us to carefully consider. As a culture we need to gain enough self-confidence to put our egos and pride down, hold ourselves accountable, and begin to truly see how we're living and the impact we're having on the youth of America. The next generation of decision makers needs our experience and our leadership now more than ever. Let's get in the game.

What's Next?

2009-02-26T18:26:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been seeking out where I want to take The Father Project. What is my point? What is the mission and scope of The Father Project? In doing so, I've learned about Social Entrepreneurs. These are people who create organizations devoted to a cause serving the greater good. The concept alone, while very ideological, seemed right up my alley and has inspired me to move boldly forward to where no man has gone before.

After further consideration, my intention is to move forward in an effort to impact communities in a way that causes them to become more family focused vs. "what about me" focused. Across all socioeconomic communities (some worse than others) children have suffered the absence of their parents for some reason or another. I acknowledge the varying degrees of impact, but the relativity does not negate the impact of each childs struggle. It is not my unrealistic intention to rid children's lives of troubles and challenges, but rather inspire parents to more fully engage in serving as children's guides in order to adequately prepare our next generation of decision makers. Childhood is about enjoying childhood and preparing for what's next. It takes a village and, in the end, the question remains the same...Are we as parents, and citizens of a community larger than ourselves, doing everything we can in the best interest of our children and our communities? Ideally, we do this while maintaining a healthy balance along the way.

The plan of The Father Project is to market to communities via community based events and group speaking engagements. We will also support and educate mothers and fathers through our local team of mentoring professionals.

Drew

2009-02-11T09:13:00.000-08:00

My non-profit project is dedicated to my son Drew. In his honor, I've written the following.

Drew, son, did you know my life is for you? From much younger years, from your spirit I grew. Dreaming. Watching. Living. Preparing. For you son. For you.

Good. Better. Best. It's never enough. But, I promise you this...I'll give you all I've got. I'll teach you all I know, raise you right, and give you strength to fight. God. Father/Son. Family. Our creed to be. Politics. Business. And women. Those days are later. I want to teach you to fly, even in the craziest of times.

Let's enjoy skipping rocks on the water and climbing trees again. Let's feel the sun on our faces. Son let's jump in and sing the song of life again.

I love you sport!!! Thank you for being my son!

Fatherhood Campaign

2009-02-07T08:39:00.001-08:00

The initiative I've taken to educate myself on the topic of Fatherhood has grown roots. Progress has been made. Local organizations have been identified, phone meetings have been held, and a meeting with an event organization team takes place on Feb. 19th. If you have any ideas or have any experience with events that have left a mark, please share. What promotional event do you remember most? What was unique? Some small things you remember most. The topic of Fatherhood is far more significant than I ever realized. I welcome any help I can get as I continue to work towards my desire get fathers more involved with raising their children. Thank you!

On the Other Side

2009-02-07T08:10:00.000-08:00

What's on the other side of divorce? At least when young children are involved, there's still years and years of relationship and issues requiring both of you. Issues at school. Emotional health issues. Physical health. Disciplinary issues. Upbringing issues. The shaping of study habits, manners, and a childs relentless pursuit to identify boundaries. Above all else a child of divorced parents requires consistency between homes. To be optimally effective, this requires communication and compromise. That said, if these were your strongsuits you two very well may still be married. Thus, my point. We all know the choice to divorce does not happen overnight, is incredibly difficult, and by no means are all scenarios the same. But, why does it seem parents are more willing to make the childs needs a priority AFTER the divorce vs. before hand? Before hand seems to be riddled with pride, ego, and battle. While afterwards it seems to be less pride, ego, and battle and more whatever needs to happen for the child (to some degree anyway). After all, if the welfare of the child is a priority, both parents must submit their pride and ego, summon their strongest diplomatic communication skills, and be willing to compromise certain things in the best interest of the child. It is this very same skill set needed in-house prior to divorcing, but it seems to be lost somewhere along the road leading to divorce. I get the personal freedom one will experience post divorce vs. being bound by the walls of your home you both live in. However, I do want to introduce the fact that when a child is involved you will forever have a relationship with your wife, like it or not, and in the interest of the children we must do everything we can beyond the shadow of a doubt. I for one feel as though I could have done more. I don't know what, but...For Drew, anything would have been worth it. In short, children will experience our choice to divorce for the rest of their lives in one capacity or another. I've seen my sister and brother-in-law fight long and hard for their marriage and I'm left inspired and appreciative. Their example gives me hope and has taught me a lesson. Thank you Angie and Richard. I love you! All things said, I do get sometimes there's just nothing left. And, it just plain sucks.

Lost Without A Guide

2009-01-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

So, nearly a month after my last posting, I'm back in the swing of things. Which, of course, includes my still ongoing mission to spread awareness and inspire fathers to engage in the lives of their children.

There's a saying I hear time and time again that goes, "Don't worry. Children are resilient." When said, "they" aren't referring to youthful bodies. They are referring to their minds. Lately, this has started to almost infuriate me. Kids are resilient why? Because they are still alive? Because they've survived? Our jobs as parents are not only to help children survive, but rather help them thrive. It is not to dismiss potentially traumatic emotional turmoil in order to save our own pride or egos. You don't say these things to justify your unwillingness to...Give your child your absolutely best beyond the shadow of a doubt. Period. Who do you think of when you make choices even remotely impacting the day to day life of your child? Kids don't remember Lexus vs. Honda. They remember present or not present. Are you a present guide in the life of your child? Kids aren't resilient. They are impacted! They hear you. They are watching you. How do you live because they are paying attention to every word, look, and move you make whether you think so or not. And when you can't relate or have zero relationship and wonder why...Perhaps it's not such a mystery. It's up to us to step towards them. Not the otherway around. And you don't give up. Ever. Our modern culture filled with overly defiant children are NOT resilient. They are impacted by the presence of their parents and/or lack there of.

The children of America need positive role models. Mentors. We can pay for it with our tax money fed to our prisons or spend some time building up the youth of America.

Father Son Run Spring 2009

2008-12-17T16:20:00.000-08:00

While on a recent run I came up with the idea of putting together a Father Son Run to promote awareness of boys needing fathers as an active part of their day to day lives. After only two months worth of research, I've become increasingly more passionate about becoming a voice for our young boys. The byproduct of boys not having healthy relationships with their fathers is scary. More than 85% of all inmates surveyed said they did not have a healthy relationship with their father. An almost equal number of homosexuals answered the same...No healthy relationship with their father. Boys are born boys; they have to become men. The danger of not having active fathers is they stay boys the rest of their lives.

What's your relationship like with your son/s or daughter/s? Are you as involved in their lives as you should be? Or is work more important? Can we acknowledge raising boys and raising girls is nothing alike? Can you think of healthy and unhealthy father son relationships and any possible link in the young boys behavior? World-wide I see an epidemic needing immediate attention. Our young boys, and parents, are getting hit from all sides: the government, the media, schools, social pressures. It seems as though there is no safe place for our children.

Currently, more than 80% of all divorces end with the custody being handed to the mother...By state law. I find it hard to believe in each of those cases their wasn't a ready, willing, and able father fighting to stay involved in his childrens lives. In the U.S. we are experiencing proactive liberal activists making their way into every fabric of modern American culture. The courts are actually forcing fathers apart from their children. Sure, some fathers are deadbeat fathers choosing not to play a role. Unfortunately, this does happen on both sides of the fence. That said, I will also ask how many fathers have spent thousands and thousands of dollars to no avail? It is our responsibility as Americans to serve in such a way that makes our voice heard. If our government won't be a stand, then we must speak up and stand for our rights and our values ourselves. You will be surprised how much and how quickly you are able to garner support while resonating with others. Some serve in the armed forces to stand for what's right. We must serve in our communities. Speaking up and speaking out for what we believe in. Those who do, make a difference. Just look at what's happened for those who do speak up...ie. the liberal agenda. If the crazy ideas of the extreme left can make their way into every household across the U.S., then common sense well grounded values can do the same. What are you doing to stand up for yourself, your neighbor, and your children?

Today, I'm more greatful than ever for the character foundation my parents worked hard to instill. Thank You and I Love You!

Walk Away

2008-12-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

"...It's like walking around with the weight of the world on my shoulders, walking around with my past in a big bag. Today, I'm going to walk out in the rain and let it all wash away. Just walk away. "

-Country Music Artist (Clay Atkins?)-

Who are you?

2008-12-03T16:51:00.001-08:00

A few years ago I went through this weekend program. We won't get into the program and so forth, but I do want to share some of what I took away from the weekend. I learned a lot about distinctions. For example...Who do you think you are vs. who you are actually being. I would ask, "What kind of man do you think you are? Do you know?" Then, I would follow up with, "Okay, Are you actually BEING that man? Really?"

Often times there is a large gap between who we think we are being and who we are ACTUALLY being. It can be a bit of a daunting talk...Finding out from others who you really come across as. Do you think you're good with money, but then go out with friends and blow money on frivilous items you could easily do without? Do you think your compassionate, but often fail to hear when people could really use your ear? Do you think your open-minded and then make definitive opinionated statements about topics you only have shallow knowledge of?

Before we can instill our character in our children, we must first make sure it's instilled in us. Do you live it? Do you walk the walk even under the most trying of times or do you fold under pressure? In today's day and age, it's a good time to find out what you're made of. Know who you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, and get in the game.

Expectations

2008-12-02T08:12:00.001-08:00

About three years ago I had an ensight; which is all relationships succeed or fail based on clearly communicated and understood expectations. This simple understanding has helped me time and time again and is applicable across the board. Without established and understood expectations each party involved in the relationship will likely fail the other to no fault of their own. In short, I will fail you if I don't know what you expect from me.

This applies to our children as well. The best thing we have to offer our children is our experience. Let's let them know what lies ahead. This way, when something bad happens it wasn't a total surprise and they are better able to handle the many adversities in life. The range is endless so we must be communicating often. We're the engine telling the caboose what's around the corner. Every corner. At least now the caboose can have a fighting chance to make it around that surprise hairpin turn (the one you already knew was coming) and do so without some traumatic recovery experience.

Communicate, set, and establish expectations with your kids. Get in the game.

A Father's Playbook

2008-12-01T02:42:00.000-08:00

Need one? Make one.

Make one based on who you are and what you stand for. Do a little research. Right down who you are and what you stand for. Research authors and topics of interest. Read. Get inspired. Get motivated. The truly successful motivate themselves. And, besides, what better motivator do you need than your own children? Shape them. Grow them. Raise them. They will emulate you and it's amazing to see. They are amazing. My son is amazing. Thank you son!

Make a playbook. Get in the game.

Keeping Score and Being Number One

2008-12-01T01:50:00.000-08:00

It's not easy. If you didn't know, being number one never is. I'm talking about honestly acknowledging my secret desire to have my son like spending time with me more than with his mother. I'm sure this line of thought could be analyzed and picked a part to no end, but allow me to be real with you here.

I firmly believe men are competitive by nature. I remember my sons mother recently commenting on my acknowledging the score at one of his soccer games. We had just scored and were up by three. Yes, I know he's only six. However, she mentions the score doesn't matter and they are only there to have fun. Really? I couldn't get how different she saw things and, to be honest, how oblivious she was to truly understanding our son. You see, as she said this to me the boys were out on the field with huge smiles on their faces, giving each other high-fives, and....Yes, screaming, "We have like 1006 and they have 2." As a male, keeping score and having fun are not mutually exclusive. Keeping score is part of being competitive and a natural part of what it is to be a male. It's fun being competitive. We're born that way.

As a single parent it's easy to slip into an unhealthy and unspoken competition with your ex. It's currently 0400 and I've been woken up and drawn to the computer to document this point...Use the natural tendency to be competitive and the desire to be number one as a driving force to be the best father you can be. Rather than talking about or even somewhat focusing on the scoreboard, let's focus on the game. The game of being a great dad (no whiners allowed) is to be connected and stay connected to your kids. Get them. Know them. Work with them. Grow with them. Tiger's head is in the game. Jordan's head was in the game. Vince Lombardi was in the game. Cal Ripken, in the game. Sure, from time to time we're aware of the score, but let's keep our head in the game. Constantly improving. Always practicing. We're gonna make mistakes. Just keep getting better and better and better. Never stop. Never give up. My father used to always share this little saying with me..."I may be wounded, but I am not slain. Let me lay down and bleed a while, then rise and fight again." Like I said, it's not easy. And, it's not always fun. But, in the end, our kids will remember who was always there for them, who fought to teach them the essentials of life, and who loved them without fail. This is the game of fatherhood. It's one of the toughest battlefields we'll ever have the privilege of playing on. Enjoy the game. Play to win. God speed.

Resources. Questions. Thoughts.

2008-11-30T10:44:00.000-08:00

After spending more time reviewing and researching the resources available, I thought I would offer this input. Dad'sDivorce.com is a great resource of information and support. You can find answers to any questions you may have. I did. Also, check out the 24/7 dad'sdivorce radio. Not great for entertainment, but informative and validating. I say validating because I believe much of a fathers' experience of divorce is experienced relatively alone and in silence. Which brings me to meetup.com. Since joining a couple of chosen groups/clubs, I've met many new people and have been invited to several events. It's nice to get out once in while. I also found another great site www.fathers4kids.com.

Does the agreement fit what you are looking for? Never sign an agreement you aren't happy with. To go back and change it later is much more difficult. Get it right the first time.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T09:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 23, 2008

2008-11-23T16:46:00.001-08:00

Questions to Consider: Thinking like the judge. Being a devils advocate.

If you had full custody of your children, would you be ready?
What would the day to day living look like if you had full custody of your child or children (or the percentage of custody you are seeking)?
What would you do if there was an emergency?
How would they get to and from school?
What if they had to be picked up early from school due to illness?
How about transportation to and from after school activities?
How would you be able to spend personal time with your child or children?
What difference does it make who gets how much custody custody?
Why should you get the percentage of custody you are asking for?

Before an argument could ever be made in your defense, you must first be armed with realistic answers catering to the best interest of your child/children and you.

We can not raise our children as passively present parents. As in sports we must have a game plan. Whether preparing for an unfortunate divorce or parenting our children, we must know our strengths and weaknesses and anticipate not only the needs of our children, but the needs of ourselves.

Our kids will never remember first how much money the household had and secondly how seldom you were actually present in their lives. It is incredibly selfish and vain to place a greater priority on our own professional success over our success as parents. To allow work to consume our lives over our children is to fail not only our children, but also our culture as a whole. I believe this to be evident by looking at today's modern culture. While there is much to be proud of, there is a very large gap between how we see ourselves what is actually so. Example...Most American households think they are doing a reasonably good job with their finances, while in 2006 Americans experienced a negative 4% savings rate. This means while someone was telling you they were doing a good job managing their personal budget, they were actually spending more than they even made. I believe this same type of gap exists in our parenting skills. It is time for us to wake up and get actively consciously involved with the ins and outs of our childrens lives. Not simply in the doing of their lives. And not just in the lives of our children, but in all children. I challenge you to challenge yourself to be the best parent you can be. Period.

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 23, 2008

2008-11-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

After two weeks of researching the topic of men in America I'm having the experience of being motivated and somewhat overwhelmed. Below you will find some great resources for support, information, and inspiration.

http://www.meetup.com/ for groups of likeminded individuals your local area.
http://www.mkp.org
http://www.dadsdivorce.com/
Stephen Baskerville's book "Taken Into Custody"
John Eldridge's book "Wild At Heart"
more to follow.

Currently I've spoken with nearly a dozen men who have each had powerful experiences associated with divorce, being a single father, and simply being a man in America today. I will begin to document these conversations by way of audio files and will make those conversations and interviews available. Do you have any experiences, thoughts, questions, or suggestions to share? Any resources you've found particularly useful or inspiring? I'm here to help anyone who is looking for support in the areas divorce or personal growth.

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 10, 2008

2008-11-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I began a personal journey called The Breakthrough Project for Men. My intention is to cause a breakthrough in the way I experience being a single father as well as contribute to all men by serving as a source of information, support, and guidance.

After taking my son Drew to a doctors appointment and dropping him off at school, I headed to Borders not knowing what I might find. I wanted to begin to research all the books about being a man. A Father. The male experience. What it is to be a man. What I found was somewhat shocking. I was able to find books on raising boys and relevant christian books pertaining to being a man in God's image, but there isn't a single book in the entire Borders book store on Brentwood Ave. in St.Louis, MO. on November 10, 2008 that spoke to simply being a man. I get the ones about being a man in God's image, but the male experience isn't relegated to just christians. And I'm a christian. I was baffled to the point I found myself saying, "Really?" out loud. I asked a Borders employee for help. He searched all through the computer. Nothing further. I thank the author's who have written books on the topic of being a man. I will read each of them in hopes of growing in my knowledge of the subject. I consider it noteworthy to mention that after four hours of initial research I found only five authors who have written anything directly pertaining to what it is to be a man. Also noteworthy, I found only six books written specifically about raising boys. Boys are Boys. Girls are Girls. The impact and need for acknowledging the distinctions between men and women has never been greater. Single moms are buying little boys girls bikes. My own sons mother painted his toenails (problem one) pink (problem two). In today's modern culture there is such a real identity crisis. We as moms and dads must not contribute to the confusion. Rather, we as parents must understand the issue and be aware. There is a real need to acknowledge the issue, instill identity security in our children and ourselves, support our children, and of course love our children to no end no matter what. All children explore and all good parents love their children. But, we as parents can not add to the confusion of gender identity. If my child chooses to be gay or explores the topic, no doubt I will love him and except him. Period. However, we absolutely can not add to that confusion.

Allow me to share with you more about where I'm coming from. First, I do acknowledge there are some very unfortunate circumstances that have left many women single with kids and struggling to keep it all together. Also, I acknowledge that mothers who stay home and run households across America are grossly under-recognized and under-valued. The mother who took on the daunting task of raising me from the time I was three is one such example. All she has been through and the impact she has on my life is and forever will be cherished to no end. Support and love and attention to these women is certainly deserving. Period. I also acknowledge many men deserve the alloted stereotype. That said, like so many things in America there is an over-generalization on what this experience means about all men. There's never a question asked of the men out there who do there best to do the right thing. Who never leave their kids and have had wives who were more a part of the problem than an active contributor to a solution. What has been their experience? What happened. What are the pressures? And not just divorced men. All men. It seems Americans general view of men are self-involved men of greed or drunk philanderers with no real purpose or distinct added value. Separate from the experience of single dads, the need for men in general has been all but entirely shunned by our modern American culture. The journey I have started is for all the men who have chosen to actively be the best fathers they know how to be and have chosen to do all they can to be the best men they know how to be.

I am setting out to cause a breakthrough experience in my life and the lives of others by researching and documenting the experience of the American Man.

The Breakthrough Project for Men

2008-11-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

I've been a single father for more than four years. Immediately after the divorce I noticed a difference in the way society recieved me as a single father as well as in the way I interacted with others. In holding myself accountable for my own experience, I think I may have become a bit defensive and/or protective of my desire to be a great father for my young son. However, all things considered, there is a clear distinction in the way men are treated and percieved in modern American. Today I acknowledge this period of time in my life as the beginning of my experience as a researcher and advocate for all men in America. It is over the past five years that I began to pay attention to how America looked at men and our roles in our modern culture. I've done so with an awareness not to be suggestive; rather I've just become aware. So much happens all around us all the time and it's not until we become aware that we notice how often "it" takes place. This "it" being whatever you've become aware of. In this conversation "it" is the shunning of men. I would liken this to the experience of seeing the car you just decided to buy all over the place just after you've decided to buy it. This noticing coupled with my personal life experience is what has led me to begin The Breakthrough Project: Men.

A very close friend of mine started The Breakthrough Project. She has studied and worked very hard to clearly understand certain distinctions in order to cause breakthroughs in her own life. She has spent years studying, researching, applying, and experiencing. So much so, businesses are now finding great value and benefit in the use of her understanding of distinctions and processes. As close friends I've personally had the priviledge of watching her grow and I'm incredibly proud of her. On a recent Saturday morning Erin and I had brunch. Towards the end of the conversation I shared with her how the strength of my desire to contribute to men has really become strong. She knows this has stirred in me for some time. It's now Nov. 2008 and I've been single since the fall of 2003. To no avail I've looked for outlets that have allowed me to contribute; youth groups at church, non-profit organizations, etc. But, to date nothing has stuck or fit just right. They were fine. Just not a fit. Today was to be different. Before Erin and I got up from the table Erin stopped and offered to support me in this search for an outlet or a platform with which my stirring would be fulfilled. The result of this conversation is The Breakthrough Project: Men.

American Media's Unclaimed Purpose

2008-11-09T21:59:00.000-08:00

So today I had a quick realization about the current health of our national economy. People go on and on all the time about how they hate watching the news because it's always so negative. True. It does seem to be very negative. FairNBalanced. Or We report. You decide. Yes, this is geared toward even one of my most trusted news sources. To get to the point, today I thought one of the most powerful purposes for our national media could actually be to lead vs. simply report. I mean everyone in the country who wants to have an impact or be in the know does so by paying attention to the news. If we acknowledge this to be true, then we also must automatically acknowledge the powerful impact the media can have. I believe their positive or negative impact to be evident today. The shared justification of their purpose, being the reporters and news channels simply report the news, is weak. I'm sorry, but when your impact is as powerful as theirs and the current state of our union is as it is, then they too must hold themselves to a higher standard of purpose. I believe Bill O'Reilly has gotten this a bit with declaring himself as a watchdog and then doing exactly that. Watchdogging. The idea here is we're all aware of the state of our union by now, but what do WE need to do now to help move us powerfully forward? I think Americans need to be spoken to like a coach speaking to his or her team. You motivate. You inspire. You lead. If you're a coach and you have a losing team you don't simply share the score with your team. They know the score. We know the score. While the media isn't our coach, they are certainly a team captain. It's a responsibility they recieve in exchange for having someone actually watch their show which in term enables them to make money via advertising dollars earned. Not to change subjects, but to illustrate exactly how deeply rooted the truth of my point is we can simply look at the remarkable victory of President-Elect Obama. How emotional was everyone at the news of his victory? His acceptance speech in Chicago? This is an obvious indication of the deep rooted resignation of the American majority. I believe people to be more easily influenced when deeply resignated. Resignation yeilds a need for hope and hope is exactly what people are so fired up about with Obama. But, hope for what with Obama. They don't even know. Just hope for something better. This proves my point about resignation breeds an easily influenced weekness. It's a needy place to come from. Our news channels could be serving vs. simply reporting. As a country on a national stage with the singular focus being to help gently (due to the ever so fragile state of American pride and ego), yet powerfully guide us back to center. Back to a place of common understood strength. Acknowledge strength. Unified strength. Let's stabalize the ship so we can then move powerfully forward. The media could act as a sort of national financial advisor by serving as a solid filter of sound basic financial education and principals. Coach cause and effect. I believe to some degree this is being done but...it's left a lot to be desired as far as a voice to be heard goes. Or maybe we're just slow and childlike with how we learn. Simply put...The news channels can share not only where we are, but also this is what we as Amercians should do first, second, third, etc. These are the smartest money moves you can make right now and long into the future. We should know the money spent is always more than the money saved by the money spent to save it. This ends with a net loss which can only be validated by a real need or an ability to take the financial loss for the benefit your recieve from the purchase. Used cars are almost always money better spent (cars industry issues), don't consume the equity in your home (real estate is not a get rich quick deal, move less, and invest for the long term ((investing)). Also, investments are never all or nothing. We should all practice balance and moderation. Yes, you can go out to eat from time to time. Yes, we can buy our children clothes for the seasons. Moderation. Common sense. Let's eat at home with our kids at the table. Enough of the extreme reactions to the media good or bad. Enough of the reliance on other people's information when our own common sense has told us all we need to know. Our country is an infant and it takes a village to raise a child. We all need to kick in together to move us powerfully forward. When my child is sick their are some doctors advice I simply would never listen to. Like some of the "experts" these news channels are putting on, I don't know we need to be listening to them.

In short, America must stop looking and managing our money as pacifiers for our vanity and inequities. Our own lack of personal confidence or willingness to be ourselves and not the Jones'. This just in...the Jones' as a national icon have passed. We are all free to mourn the loss of them and stand together on our own individual two feet. We must be ourselves. Help ourselves and then our neighbors. Let's grow up. Hold ourselves accountable for our own mistakes and/or irresponsibilities and move on. Lesson learned.

I see our national economy as a single issue; while all we ever hear is how complex the issue or how difficult the fix is. It's our fault. Not there's. We bought into it. If I'm overweight, is it the pizza man's fault? The chocolatier's? All these experts and all this analysis. Why would we even listen to them considering the "expert's" track record? So far, how many of them have been "right"? As I see it, and this is just one man's perspective, but our current state of affairs is our fault no matter who we think we are able to blame. When are we going to start holding ourselves accountable for our own state of affairs? When did the strength of America come from our victim mentality and our sense of entitlement. I'm a victim. They did this to me. You owe me. Oh...I'm so inspired...to do...anything. You? Inspired? I didn't think so. We saw an opportunity and we took it without knowing all the rules. Many quit their jobs and used their life savings to invest in real estate after paying $2000 for a "boot camp" investment seminar. Simply crazy. Many refinanced their homes and took off to Hawaii just after they had their new plasma installed. Our current state of affairs is our fault and no one elses. How can so much blame be put on Adjustable Rate Mortgages when those products have safeguard caps in place and the interest rates have been very healthy for years and still are today. Any employed homeowner who is made or broken by $100 or $200 or $300 a month should have never purchased their home in the first place. Common sense should have told them this regardless of what some broker was saying. I've made my share of mistakes in this deal too, but I'm not blaming them on anyone else. At least not anymore. We are where we are. I'm not saying people don't need help, but let's stop looking back and start looking forward. Let's do so knowing we have to work together in our communities in order to keep our communities strong. We have stretched ourselves too thin by justifying our own greed, vanity, or ignorance.

To get back to the point, the media can acknowledge the TRUE cause of our state of affairs and begin to lead us back into balance by reporting on real-world solutions in todays economic times. We have to spent, but must do so wisely. They can bring in investors who started with nothing and are still successful today, They could also bring in timeless coaches and leaders. The best of the best. The wisest of council. The media should assemble the best cast of leaders that embody the American experience and have them coach, lead, and inspire. Over. And over. And over. But of course, again, this is just one man's opinion. I'm going to bed.

The Father Project

Awareness

Equality vs. Abusive

Our Children's Reality Today

Excuses and Justifications

Cost of Our Choices

What's Next?

Drew

Fatherhood Campaign

On the Other Side

Lost Without A Guide

Father Son Run Spring 2009

Walk Away

Who are you?

Expectations

Recommended Reading

A Father's Playbook

Keeping Score and Being Number One

Resources. Questions. Thoughts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 23, 2008

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 23, 2008

The Breakthrough Project for Men: November 10, 2008

The Breakthrough Project for Men

American Media's Unclaimed Purpose